A Ramble of Thoughts + My Sweater

I’ve always been open (some would say too open), sharing the story of my small business – the wins, the losses, the struggles, the happiness, and the endless gratitude I have. I don’t say this with a chip on my shoulder, but something I am very proud of us showing up as my authentic self, always.

When I decided to expand to a brick and mortar and open a café, it was filled with excitement, it was 2018… I didn’t set out to expand during a global pandemic (who would!), that was the reality though. The end of 2019 – I am not totally sure when were hard, there were endless moments of good, but it was a bit like – my cup would get filled every night when I’d teach, to be drained the next day with the endless to do lists, the stress of running a small business, the awareness that I had no work life balance. And here’s the thing, when you own a small business, everyone has an opinion (which they mean well by) - what you can or should change, but no one truly gets it, you can find people in the community with small businesses that are similar (which I have, and am so grateful for), but unless it’s your grind, it’s hard to really see it. Small business, at times can feel, lonely – the backend of it, the things you feel you’re not great at, or don’t understand even ten+ years into it… One of the things I love about being a small business owner is how it pushes me to learn new things, to adapt, to create… Even in the pieces that are hard. 

Something that recently hit me is the extent of the challenge of the last few years. A good friend said to me, “I am proud of you, and I hope you’re proud of you too.”  The thing is, when you’re living it – you know it – the struggle, but it also becomes the norm… All while you’re living life and have to carry on. You can reflect, but that is different than what I realise now, getting to the other side – the bit that I’m not quite sure when it happened. When you get through it and come out the other side it’s different, looking back on it. It’s not something that happens overnight, and there have been lots of things that have helped me get through it. But, over the last few months I have been working hard to transition back to who I was before Awn, who I was when I opened the Ruby Apron – in various ways, but I was organised, in every capacity, I lost that, and it's bothered me every damn day. Another good friend of mine said to me last year that I work too much, and I said, “but, I’m happy," and maybe that was the moment things really changed. It’s not to say that I wasn’t happy from 2019 – whenever this transition happened, of course there was so much good even in the thick of it. 

So much of the story of re-branding from the Ruby Apron to Awn was out of my control – there was also, loads in my control, of course there was. But when things feel out of control (and the world did – and maybe still does feel out of control)…. The systems and habits you have, that make sense to you, stick, even if they need to change, even if they don’t make the most sense.  Because, the truth is the thought of creating a new system or changing that habit can feel overwhelming, like letting go of the control you do have. These things I am talking about are things that would streamline my business (and have) – switching from a paper calendar to a digital calendar, clearing out my inbox so I don't have 3567+ unread junk emails and sticking to just having messages in my inbox that need to be seen to, clearing out the notes section on my phone, getting back to journalling and writing, even if the blog posts never make it off my computer,  emptying my wallet of receipts and filing them weekly rather than when my wallet was exploding, getting back to proper to do lists…. They aren’t big backend systems, they’re little things that make my chaotic life of wearing 999 hats, feel a little more, ha… In control, funny isn’t it?

Whenever I write like this I am mindful that it might come across as whiney – and I feel I need to put a note in here saying – I am so grateful to be here, eleven years ago the idea of teaching cooking classes was just starting to stir in my mind, and in July, I’ll have been doing it for eleven years, it’s not something I take lightly – but I also think, it’s so important, as I’ve said many times, to look back and remember the process. 

I started knitting regularly, to calm my mind – it takes just enough focus, to get off my phone, to stop watching tv when I get home from work at night, to create, and to find time to simply be. I didn’t realise though, how it would push me, and how good it would be for me. When I first started knitting it took all my brain power. I couldn’t knit and hold a conversation, I counted every stitch, then I could have a conversation, but here were steps I couldn’t do in a room with someone else. I memorized the sock pattern and have spent hours knitting socks - sometimes I knit a round or two while the floors dry or to get a moment of sun sometimes I knit for an hour sometimes more. 

It’s pulled me away from the doom scrolling (not to say I never do), allowed me to create, and helped me to ease mind of the chaos that is the reality of this world. So many things are of concern, but so little we can control. Knitting was something I could control - get better at, counting stitches, focusing, seeing something turn from yarn to a garment. It’s tough in this world to not let your mind be busy with all the bad, but there’s also plenty of good and I know it sounds a bit soap boxy, but when you find the good, it can win. It’s allowed me to put my phone down and connect with my own thoughts, with new people through the knitting circle, t’s cathartic, mindful but also mindless – and I’m always learning, something I think we don’t do often enough as adults. 

As a kid I learned to crochet and knit – but barely, a phase that didn’t last long. In my early 20’s I re-learned how to knit and knit a strawberry tea cosy in England – that’s quite cute, but full of imperfections. A few years ago, I started to knit at night, it would go in spurts, and I’d knit the same thing – very plain, single stitch scarves. In the spring of 2024, I taught myself to purl and read a pattern (ish), then my friend Debbie taught me to knit in the round. I made a few baby hats and then had my first attempt at a very holey and wonky sock. I still have it even though no one will ever wear it – and it’ll never have a partner. After that my socks started to look a little less wonky and even still knitting sock #44, I see improvements to my sock knitting. I knit my sister-in-law a sweater for her birthday (that she received four months late) – and there were points where I felt like I knew little about knitting – there were some holes in the armpits, but they were easy to fix. As soon as I finished hers, I wanted to knit another one – I have knit myself, a single pair of socks, everything else I knit have been gifts or snagged up by my niece and mum (which I’m happy about!). So, I decided to knit myself a sweater – in 18 days, and I must say, I’m quite chuffed.

Forty four socks and two sweaters is a lot of knitting - a lot of hours, and when I think about it, it does sometimes make me sigh, but then I think - what would I have been doing with that time before? Not to say all of the time, but a of it would have been spent on Instagram or watching mindless bad TV. Instead, I created forty four socks and two sweaters! 

Our minds our busy, our lives are busy, we’re over stimulated – screens are in every part of our day - we wake up and look at a phone, we work on computers, we watch tv - we wear headphones when we’re outside instead of listening to nature, we clean listening to podcasts, we justify and make excuses – we’ve lost sight of the simple things. I have really started to track my screen time, look at the time when I pick up my phone, and when I put it down, and it's amazing how quickly time can pass. I’m not saying there isn’t a place for these things, sometimes you do just need to checkout, but the joy of the simple, the ease of just simply being, and learning to be with your own thoughts, it’s important. 

My last thought on this long ramble – we talk a lot about before covid and after covid, and something that’s been on my mind a lot recently is – the world is heavy, I won’t deny that, things have changed, but it’s not pre / post pandemic, we were headed this way before, the pandemic might have been fuel to the fire. We can’t change the big things, and it’s easier said than done to change the small things – but as I said, for me it started with simple, small changes, and recognizing the things / habits that were adding to the noise in my head, or the feeling of overwhelm – falling asleep with the TV on, opening my wallet and thinking “oh I really do need to file these receipts…” Taking accountability for the things that needed to change – and finding an outlet that wasn’t on a screen, that wasn’t filled with the heaviness of the world, or the insane influence. For me, it was letting go of excuse culture – and taking action. We’re not here because of the pandemic – we’re here because of many, many things --- and the only thing we can control? As cliché as it sounds, is ourselves. Find the good – it’s out there, find the things that make you tick even if they don’t make perfect sense to everyone else, do things you love, put down your screen and learn to be. Time goes fast. 

Although I said small business can sometimes feel lonely, the space that is Awn and the community around it, working through the mistakes, and the bigness that is deciding to expand and having a plan, little going to plan, opening your “dream” business to realise, it’s not what you wanted… To deciding to close it, and facing all the comments that came with it (both good and bad), to realising the weight that lifted… And then shifting through what was next, working towards a plan to renovate, and creating this beautiful space (with the help of many)… I did lose work / life balance, and slowly, I’ve found it again, I don’t know when, but it sure feels good. I say it all the time, how lucky I am – to do something I love, day in and day out. I work a lot of hours with few days off, but I wake up every day happy to be doing the work I do.

So as always – here’s to the people who make Awn what it is – because small business might be the hands of few behind the scenes, but it’s the community that makes it thrive.

K xx